Perception

We all live in the same physical world. But it is always assumed that we have the same perceptions of that physical world. We all see the books on the shelf, we all hear the intercom. We do there are cases where that isn't the case, like blindness or deafness. But what if some people really do perceive the world differently without falling in those cases. Synthesia is the only one I have heard until recently. The weird thing is that I fall into this group.

I have been trying for years to be able to hold a "normal" conversation. Basically, to do small talk. I started off with a strange language problem. I was considered to have normal speech. However, I monologued. I would read a book, to the point I would memorize it. Reading is my special interest. I am obsessed with it and will do it any time I can, including eating. So close memorization is possible. When asked a question like "what do you like to do" I would say "I just read about hurricanes and.... basically spill out the entire book. This was considered cute and a sign of being smart. Meanwhile, I was frantically trying to figure out what to say. I just said what I had just been reading.

I could do request, say I wanted something but could not answer how are you. I hated the question, what did do in school today. Was I supposed to say I went to math, english , then science, the lunch, then P.E. But she my parents knew my schedule. Why were they asking?

This sort of thing didn't make talking easy. But I could read well. And both are verbal. So I shouldn't be having problems. But I found speech hard.

Then came my first class in a foreign language. I realized that people were supposed to hold two-way conversations. I started to memorize the rules. How are you? Fine. Where do you live? I live here. That was the typical lines both in english and the foreign language.

But I still couldn't figure out when I was supposed to let the other person talk their turn. Unless they said verbally my turn.

I just recently figured out why. It was a dozy. When I would be talking, I couldn't see. The more intense the conversation, the more likely my vision would go. Sometimes I could still see, but not with details. So the subtle non-verbal cues went over my head.

I read a book talking about an unusual perceptual problem. It was called visual agnosia. The person's vision was fine but they couldn't "see" an object. They couldn't recognize it despite the fact they should have been. There was two forms. One was where the person couldn't percieve it correctly. If asked to draw what they saw, the object didn't look like the actual object. The other type was when they could percieve it correctly, but couldn't identify it. They could draw it corectly, but they couldn't name it. They could draw, say the carrot, but did NOT know what it was.

This explained a lot. I had a habit of not "seeing" something. I would look directly at a brightly colored vehicle and then asked the owner where the vehicle was. There would be bananas in the shopping cart. I would look at it and still ask "did we buy bananas.

I also can't drive because of this. I would see, say a pedestrian, and not recognize what it was. I also have a slow processing speed. This made driving a nerve wrecking experience. I had to finally quit.

This is not good thing in the United Stated. Everybody is expected to drive unless impaired. And even then. There are plenty of stories of the person who flunks the vision test, but still won't give up driving. The person who's reaction time is much slower, but still keeps on.

But I didn't know what was wrong. I couldn't describe it. I found out about agnosia after I quit driving. Before then, the only answer was fear. That was the only reason people around me had. Vision good, hearing good, young so reaction time is good, all is good to go. The solution they come up with was I need to drive more. My fear was unchanged. I couldn't stand to drive and would beg for rides. Then I got called a coward and lazy. So I was a bad person.

Finally, the fear was too much and I quit. Now I have a reason for it. So it shouldn't still feel upset. But I still do. I still feel bad for saying I can't drive. Everybody does it. I know I should ignore that thought, but it is hard.

The other bad thing I felt about was the reason I had agnosia. Agnoisa is caused by damage to the brain
usually very specific areas. I have no history of brain damage not even a minor head injury. After my diagnosis of being on the autism sprectrum, this offered a clue. Autism had sensory issues. I had a lot of those sensory issues. There was brain changes. My language issues were pretty common. In fact, it was an actual symptom used to diagnose. But I was excited about the brain differences.

This offered a reason for why I was having a symptom of brain damage. Maybe my brain was using those visual areas for something else. But at least, I can now say, my brain is different. I really do percieve the world differently.